Deep Breath. Now Go.

And create something beautiful.

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I don’t know if I’ll post this but

there are a lot of thoughts going through my mind. And I just need to get them out.

I’m so scared to close this chapter of my life. Not tumblr, that’s not what I’m talking about, though I am leaving this blog to create a new one with a new account. I’m talking about being sick. It’s all I know and it’s comforting and it feels right in its wrongness. But it’s also selfish and juvenile, this ideal life I have in my head. It’s taxing and expensive and immature. But for the first time I felt that I can live without it, that I would be strong enough to get out of the chair I’ve been strapped in for five years, watching life pass by without me. I want to stop wallowing. I’ve been seeing what my life can be like out of this pit. 

But I’m just coming to realize that just because I spent a week with normal people, eating normally and acting normally, and gaining hope to live a healthy life…I can’t just jump in and expect to be healthy. I guess I thought, if I forget and just try to move on from this period in my life, I’ll suddenly be normal. And I won’t. And it sucks.

I’m facing pretty tough decisions. Would the best thing for me be to go to treatment? Will that just make me worse? Do I even need treatment at all? Would we be able to afford it if I do? 

I’ve been trying to do this without God for so long. I’m going to give it a try. I wanted to die only a few weeks ago. Sometimes I still want to. I don’t know what will happen and I’m scared. I really do hope this will be the start of something new. Better. But I feel demons clawing at me and I’ve depended on their company for years - they’re fighting hard to keep me, but for the first time, I’m really considering shaking them off.

Filed under seek 2013 catholic christian roman catholic hope love peace cutting suicide self harm eating disorder anorexia ednos depression anxiety ocd ptsd eucharist adoration confession focus conference God Jesus Christ treatment

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Dear followers,

I am feeling called to leave this blog. For years it has been a sense of comfort and community for me, and I am extremely grateful. I will miss all of you very much, but I feel that in order to move on from certain things in my life, I need to make this change. I feel God working in my life and, even though I am by no means “all better” I feel more and more lately that this  is a ball-in-chain rather than a life preserver in my life. I will miss you all dearly, but I want you to know I am not deleting this blog. And I will still try to respond to asks as they come. You may unfollow as you wish. 


Mary Kate “mespetitespeurs”

Filed under catholic christian seek 2013 roman catholic God Jesus prayer hope happiness love joy peace depression anxiety self harm cutting suicide treatment