I have finally set up my new tumblr! It’s quite different than this one (Catholic centered), so if you choose to follow, you’ve been warned. I will try to check this inbox regularly for asks - other than that, it’s been great guys. Thanks for everything.
Message me for the new url!
there are a lot of thoughts going through my mind. And I just need to get them out.
I’m so scared to close this chapter of my life. Not tumblr, that’s not what I’m talking about, though I am leaving this blog to create a new one with a new account. I’m talking about being sick. It’s all I know and it’s comforting and it feels right in its wrongness. But it’s also selfish and juvenile, this ideal life I have in my head. It’s taxing and expensive and immature. But for the first time I felt that I can live without it, that I would be strong enough to get out of the chair I’ve been strapped in for five years, watching life pass by without me. I want to stop wallowing. I’ve been seeing what my life can be like out of this pit.
But I’m just coming to realize that just because I spent a week with normal people, eating normally and acting normally, and gaining hope to live a healthy life…I can’t just jump in and expect to be healthy. I guess I thought, if I forget and just try to move on from this period in my life, I’ll suddenly be normal. And I won’t. And it sucks.
I’m facing pretty tough decisions. Would the best thing for me be to go to treatment? Will that just make me worse? Do I even need treatment at all? Would we be able to afford it if I do?
I’ve been trying to do this without God for so long. I’m going to give it a try. I wanted to die only a few weeks ago. Sometimes I still want to. I don’t know what will happen and I’m scared. I really do hope this will be the start of something new. Better. But I feel demons clawing at me and I’ve depended on their company for years - they’re fighting hard to keep me, but for the first time, I’m really considering shaking them off.
I am feeling called to leave this blog. For years it has been a sense of comfort and community for me, and I am extremely grateful. I will miss all of you very much, but I feel that in order to move on from certain things in my life, I need to make this change. I feel God working in my life and, even though I am by no means “all better” I feel more and more lately that this is a ball-in-chain rather than a life preserver in my life. I will miss you all dearly, but I want you to know I am not deleting this blog. And I will still try to respond to asks as they come. You may unfollow as you wish.
Mary Kate “mespetitespeurs”
Here’s to hoping to meet new awesome Tumblr Catholics!